Somewhat Damaged
by Native
Summary: Kaidan thinks that maybe this time it's not about what John needs, but what he deserves.
1. Sink or Skin

**Title:** Somewhat Damaged**  
**

**Author:** Native

**Genre:** Romance/Angst

**Rating:** T

**Pairing:** Male Shepard/Kaidan Alenko (M/M, don't like, don't read ;))

**Warning:** Spoilers for the entire saga.

**Note:** For the Mass Effect kink meme. :)

* * *

**SOMEWHAT DAMAGED  
SINK OR SKIN  
**

* * *

When Kaidan tells him he found them a place to stay, a place to _live_, John appears conflicted; he says that there are people who need it more than he does, more than them, and that it wouldn't feel right by him. But there're still months of physical therapy and being grounded, months of repairs before the Normandy can fly again, and, though he doesn't say it out loud, Kaidan thinks that maybe this time it's not about what John needs, but what he deserves. So he stops talking about it for a while, tries to find a better approach, discovers one while speaking with their friends. They, too, want the best for Shepard, and that counts, enough to convince him, though his smile is weaker than usual.

After that, Kaidan does what he can to make them move quickly. There isn't much to move per se, and their new place isn't even that far, but where there's paperwork (for the Alliance and the Council and a dozen other things) there is time lost and he doesn't want to lose any, doesn't want to come see Shepard and hear him say that he changed his mind. This is for him, he thinks when waiting for John's meds at the hospital. The next day, they're ready to go, and he's pleased when it doesn't take much for Shepard to leave the room he claimed for himself, and then chooses to share with others. That much espace for one person was too much, he'd said; in the end, they couldn't make him bulge, the damn hero, couldn't make him forget his idea. Kaidan wasn't happy and neither were their friends, but none of them had pushed. It was hard to refuse something right - someone as _right_ as Shepard, in a way.

Now that they were out of there - at last! - Kaidan found himself able to breathe a little easier; and if the sky was rain grey, who'd care? They were together. He hoped that John felt the same as he did, but didn't ask; the other man was, apparently, lost in thoughts, looking at something only he could see. It wasn't the first time - back before London, during the war, he'd do it, too. Now... now... now they're almost there; he can see the building and some of the trees in the distance. As they draw near, Shepard starts to slow down, little by little. He never stops, simply seems to want a bit of time to take everything in; the less than pristine but still standing complex, the dampness in the air, the forest in front. He hesitates for a second before entering, but doesn't say anything, simply follows Kaidan to what is going to be their home. _Home_.

Soon, very soon, they would live together. There had been visits, yes - to Shepard's cabin, to his hospital room - but never a place for them, only them... until now. It would be a new experience for both, even if they had lived with other peoples before, mostly within the Alliance. For the hint of fear Kaidan felt, there is ten slices of happiness, though, and he simply chooses not to dwell on it. They'd make it up step by step, much like they did during the war or with Saren. It would be their chance to create something, a haven, maybe, _something _for them in any case, not to be shared with everyone and his neighbor, unlike many things before. Even more than that, John would be able to rest.

As Kaidan makes his way through the open lounge to the kitchen, he hears his lover pause before the large window, turns only to find him staring in the distance. As for him, he waits for John to say what he thinks of the odd furniture, of the place, anything, really, to break the silence, but it doesn't come. In the other's eyes, there're only burnt trees, grey sky; it's like looking in a mirror, as if nobody's home. _Home. _Kaidan feels, then, a bit of apprehension worms its way through his heart, but, ultimately, ignores it - chooses to ignore it. They still have things to do, still have time. It's only a matter of rest and taking the time to breathe again.


	2. Dissonance

**Title:** Somewhat Damaged**  
**

**Author:** Native

**Genre:** Romance/Angst

**Rating:** T

**Pairing:** Male Shepard/Kaidan Alenko (M/M, don't like, don't read ;))

**Warning:** Spoilers for the entire saga.

**Note:** For the Mass Effect kink meme. :)

* * *

**SOMEWHAT DAMAGED  
DISSONANCE**

* * *

He notives two or three weeks after they start living together, and it fits Shepard so well it's amusing in its own way;soon, Kaidan can't help but tease him. He says, sometimes smiling, sometimes half-laughing, "_That food's not going anywhere, you know?_" or "_These fries are not running away from you, Shepard,_" and when John answers, more often than not, with a smile of his own, it feels as if there's something right in the world, at last, after everything they saw, all they did and more.

Watching his lover eat as if death was at the door makes him think of the first time they went grocery shopping together, some months before - actual grocery shopping, not "go pick-up their allocated rations" - in the little store that had just reopened near their apartment complex. It was an... enlightening experience; the way Commander John Shepard, Spectre extraordinaire and all, looks when he's torn between two particulars (and perplexing, if the raised eyebrow is any indication) particular brands of rice is not something Kaidan is going to forget anytime soon, much to said Spectre dismay - it's too important, too _real_. It's part of what makes Kaidan feels incredibly lucky, to be able to live like this - to be with the man, to love him and be loved back.

_This_, this is more than he has ever hoped for, more than he had allowed himself to believe in. Back on the SR-1, he remembers banning these thoughts as best as he could. After that... he had simply tried to forget them altogether, to move on and carve himself a life in a world where John Shepard was no more. Then there had been the rumors, the messages, Anderson, the Alliance. Horizon. It's been almost one year and a war since then, but he still doesn't know if shutting down John, then, was the right thing to do. No - it wasn't, _per se_, but he doesn't see what he could have done differently, not really. His reaction was... it was justified, he tells himself. _Understandable_. He thinks that John thinks that, too. They never really talked about it, not since Huerta Memorial, and it wasn't really closure but if his lover had anything to add, he would have. There was time.

And then Kaidan says, one day, voice full of affection and a warm look on his face, "_John - you do realize that nobody here is going to try and steal your food?_"; he's teasing him, as usual - he decided to share with their friends, here for an occasion or another, this little gem he found by chance, and as he says his part, the man's already thinking of the clever retorts they're all going to come up with and how he's going to tell the story, how they're going to laugh a little at his expense, but that's simply because they love him, don't they? And he's not wrong, far from it, actually, because that's exactly what happens. Soon enough, there's laughing, taunting, a slice of happiness in the air.

When he looks up and meets Vega's eyes, though, something else creeps in the party, something _cold_ even as the other man is smiling, like everyone else; it disappears in the blink of an eye, and Kaidan finds himself unable to read anything more, almost as if there was nothing to begin with, so he lets it slide, puts it on the account of something, anything, maybe a bad memory that resurfaced. Later in the evening, he comes back from the kitchen to see everyone still drinking and talking and exchanging stories, everyone but John and Vega, who're together on the balcony, the window almost completely closed. Both seem to be looking at the forest, until the younger man turns to his lover and tells him something he can't decipher - with a harshness in his expression that Kaidan's never seen before, one that almost makes him get up and join them.

He doesn't; he tells himself that it's probably nothing, decides to wait and ask Shepard when they'll be in bed, together, and, in the end, does just that.

"_We just talked about Earth,_" John answers, already half-asleep, "_He asked me why I eat so fast._"


End file.
